my life is [not as] fucked up.

my use of profanity has intensified ever since childhood. honestly, i thought it was the cool thing to do. now, it’s gotten so bad that now that i have somewhat “matured,” i’ve made at least five ‘new year’ resolutions to stop cussing. with my friends, it’s all “chill” i assume, but truthfully, i feel very inappropriate when i do cuss. i know it’s bad, but somehow i honestly can’t refrain. in public, speaking with authorities, or strangers, i CAN refrain—this type of attitude makes me hate myself for how hypocritical i am, and i suppose i hate how “fake” i can be.

this post isn’t about cussing. i just felt that i had to make an opening statement before i jumped into what i’m going to say next. the use of profanity is never a good thing, only when you’re TRULY PISSED OFF [that seems to be my excuse all the time :)], or you mean it—i felt this post’s title was appropriate because of what i’m going to tell you next.

i’m the type of person who cares too much [like excessively obsess over the pettiest things]. maybe this goes to show that i’m a responsible person; maybe this means i will always feel guilty for the stupidest things; maybe i’m the type of pathetic person who feels sorry for herself all the time. i’m not going to argue with myself, because i do feel sorry for myself—especially during times of hardship, and obstacles that i cannot get myself over with. i am flat out PATHETIC. yes. and i DO currently feel bad for myself. but i realized, just last night—my life is not as fucked up. i come from a wholesome family—at times there are fights, which turns love into pure hatred; at times, i wish my parents would have a divorce; at times i have wanted to commit suicide because i am selfish, and because as i have mentioned before, i am a pathetic being who constantly feels sorry for herself—but, i have wanted to commit suicide not purely for myself, but because i feel guilty for bringing misery, shame, and hopelessness to others. most times, i always hope for a happy family, a happier brother, a happier me.

i heard two stories last night. both involving two of my close friends that i have met at UNC. i cannot tell you or disclose exact details of their personal lives. but i will attempt to give you the main gist. both friends do not have what i assume to be a “wholesome family” [wtf is a truly wholesome family anyways?]. both of their male authoritative figure commited adultry [and this topic requires the oppression and violence towards both women and children, as well as WHY MEN ARE PIGS]. both had to take care of their siblings. these two beautiful women who are my friends, are both extremely intelligent, pulchritudinous beings—i know they will rule the world one day. i KNOW they will make a difference. as i compare myself to them, i am literally bullshit. i thought i was independent; i have complained so much at UNC about how i had to take care of a house, a condo, deal with renters renting the condo…etc; i have complained about how i have no family in the states, and how i had to deal with shit i can’t talk about with my family; i complain how i’m lonely all the time JUST BECAUSE my family isn’t here. i feel like i have no right to complain anymore—a lot of people in this world have it a lot worse than i do. i should be appreciative of what i have so far—but i know that i don’t appreciate a lot of things… because i am, yes you guessed right, pathetic [i honestly have to stop saying that, but it is in fact, the truth].

as an example. i complain a lot about how my knee dislocating is a HUGE problem—as bad as diabetes type 1 [my best friend has diabetes type 1]. i have continual knee dislocation, and i’m scared for it popping out all the time. i know every single person on this planet has one major problem to deal with, but i feel like there are numerous people with multiple huge problems, and i am one of those people. but… i comfort myself with this thought: at least i have legs, instead of prosthetic legs, or none at all. seriously though? that still does not make me feel any better, knowing that there are people worst off than i am. because i feel sorry for them, because i wish i was one of them so i get sympathy, because i want to know that it’s okay for me to feel sorry for myself.

THIS POST IS JUST ONE SIDE OF ME. i have grown to be a semi-happy person, especially in college. but i realize that i put on a facade… a lot of the times. i rely on people too much… and i’m trying to refrain. i invest too much in people and it hurts when they do something mean to me… because i care too much. and they probably don’t mean what they say, and maybe they do via freudian slip. and i overanalyze.

a little something to help YOU GUYS and myself to cheer up on:

people. WE are going places. (-Jeff Wall).

picture to interpret:

(-Irving Penn)