If the Marauder's Map showed the 8th floor of Davis
LOLOLOL SEX IN THE LIBRARY FOR THE WIN BWAHAHAHAHHA. chapel hill, you make me proud.
It’s 11.47pm right now. I should be asleep getting ready for the BIG MOVE IN DAY TO UNC tomorrow; or, at least I should be doing some last minute packing. But… what is really on my mind? Deleting a ton of people on Facebook. When I get drunk, maybe I’ll finally have the
liquid courage to do so.
OH MY GOD. THIS PHOTO MEANS SOOOOOx100 MUCH TO ME. I’m not even kidding right now. Want to know why? Just ask me :). I was looking up photos to describe my post…and on Google, I typed in: fuck my life. And…on page 3 (?), this showed up, and totally made my night.
downloading music for the win? before downloading music becomes ‘ill’-legal again?
So, what’s up world? Not much Deborah. That’s what I like to hear :). As you can tell, I’m going a little crazy. Actually, not really. I’m just bored for the moment. 3 DAYS TILL UNC, and… I’m really ambiguous as to whether or not I’m excited, nervous, pissed, happy about the whole moving in. I’ll see when I actually set foot into Avery. WOO-hoo…
Basically, my post actually is supposed to be directed at deleting some friends on Facebook. I have already deleted 2 ‘friends’ today. I’m making this move because, a friend of mine back in Thailand had a discussion with me about a ‘particular situation,’ and she said: “why do you want to torture yourself looking at their daily activities via Facebook? You’re not friends with them anymore thanks to —————-. If you don’t have any sort of interactions with them, they don’t care about you either.” And, well, she’s right. And, I’ve already had this conversation in my head before. I guess I just never had the “heart” or…guts (?) to do it. So, well, I know if I start the deleting process, I’ll lose at least 18 friends, who I once talked to. Then, there are a few stray ‘friends’ that I’ll surely delete.
im back. and all i have to say is fuck my life.
interesting: i was at detroit airport. the customs lady asked me: “how long have you been out of the country?” “Uh…since May?” “Well, welcome home.” I was happy… for a moment. and then i really died a little inside.
interesting #2: i cut someone in line, after i politely asked of course. he was heading to washington d.c., he was from NCSTATE. “i shouldn’t have let you cut…just kidding.”
interesting #3: is it possible to hate your own race? YES.
ready for unc??? idk. im ambiguous.
i wish people knew how much i truly cared about them. i think about the things i did wrongly to others i sincerely love, and care about…
CONSTANTLY. nonstop. i’ve stressed so much about the pettiest things, and it hurts realizing that these people i care about have no inclination that i think about them all the time. i try to tell the friends i love, but… sometimes it can’t get through their thick head. maybe they don’t care about me as much as i care about them.
i wish someone would just help me tell the friends i love… that i think about the guilty things i have done to them. especially that ‘one chick’ [?]. i HONESTLY thought about her nonstop as i went through my past relationship with that ‘one boy.’ yes, i had fun with him, but in the back of my head, i always wanted to say sorry.
^ —> the above gives me no excuse does it? maybe i’m such a coward i can’t tell her face-to-face how i really felt at the moment. maybe….it’s because i realize she wouldn’t care what i was thinking.
this shit has dragged on too long. i have to forget the past… but its hard. :(
just last night. something happened. i felt bad. couldn’t have a fun night. and…i honestly don’t recall what exactly i did wrong. -___-. im sorry.
FUCKING SORRY. X100.
my use of profanity has intensified ever since childhood. honestly, i thought it was the cool thing to do. now, it’s gotten so bad that now that i have somewhat “matured,” i’ve made at least five ‘new year’ resolutions to stop cussing. with my friends, it’s all “chill” i assume, but truthfully, i feel very inappropriate when i do cuss. i know it’s bad, but somehow i honestly can’t refrain. in public, speaking with authorities, or strangers, i CAN refrain—this type of attitude makes me hate myself for how hypocritical i am, and i suppose i hate how “fake” i can be.
this post isn’t about cussing. i just felt that i had to make an opening statement before i jumped into what i’m going to say next. the use of profanity is never a good thing, only when you’re TRULY PISSED OFF [that seems to be my excuse all the time :)], or you mean it—i felt this post’s title was appropriate because of what i’m going to tell you next.
i’m the type of person who cares too much [like excessively obsess over the pettiest things]. maybe this goes to show that i’m a responsible person; maybe this means i will always feel guilty for the stupidest things; maybe i’m the type of pathetic person who feels sorry for herself all the time. i’m not going to argue with myself, because i do feel sorry for myself—especially during times of hardship, and obstacles that i cannot get myself over with. i am flat out PATHETIC. yes. and i DO currently feel bad for myself. but i realized, just last night—my life is not as fucked up. i come from a wholesome family—at times there are fights, which turns love into pure hatred; at times, i wish my parents would have a divorce; at times i have wanted to commit suicide because i am selfish, and because as i have mentioned before, i am a pathetic being who constantly feels sorry for herself—but, i have wanted to commit suicide not purely for myself, but because i feel guilty for bringing misery, shame, and hopelessness to others. most times, i always hope for a happy family, a happier brother, a happier me.
i heard two stories last night. both involving two of my close friends that i have met at UNC. i cannot tell you or disclose exact details of their personal lives. but i will attempt to give you the main gist. both friends do not have what i assume to be a “wholesome family” [wtf is a truly wholesome family anyways?]. both of their male authoritative figure commited adultry [and this topic requires the oppression and violence towards both women and children, as well as WHY MEN ARE PIGS]. both had to take care of their siblings. these two beautiful women who are my friends, are both extremely intelligent, pulchritudinous beings—i know they will rule the world one day. i KNOW they will make a difference. as i compare myself to them, i am literally bullshit. i thought i was independent; i have complained so much at UNC about how i had to take care of a house, a condo, deal with renters renting the condo…etc; i have complained about how i have no family in the states, and how i had to deal with shit i can’t talk about with my family; i complain how i’m lonely all the time JUST BECAUSE my family isn’t here. i feel like i have no right to complain anymore—a lot of people in this world have it a lot worse than i do. i should be appreciative of what i have so far—but i know that i don’t appreciate a lot of things… because i am, yes you guessed right, pathetic [i honestly have to stop saying that, but it is in fact, the truth].
as an example. i complain a lot about how my knee dislocating is a HUGE problem—as bad as diabetes type 1 [my best friend has diabetes type 1]. i have continual knee dislocation, and i’m scared for it popping out all the time. i know every single person on this planet has one major problem to deal with, but i feel like there are numerous people with multiple huge problems, and i am one of those people. but… i comfort myself with this thought: at least i have legs, instead of prosthetic legs, or none at all. seriously though? that still does not make me feel any better, knowing that there are people worst off than i am. because i feel sorry for them, because i wish i was one of them so i get sympathy, because i want to know that it’s okay for me to feel sorry for myself.
THIS POST IS JUST ONE SIDE OF ME. i have grown to be a semi-happy person, especially in college. but i realize that i put on a facade… a lot of the times. i rely on people too much… and i’m trying to refrain. i invest too much in people and it hurts when they do something mean to me… because i care too much. and they probably don’t mean what they say, and maybe they do via freudian slip. and i overanalyze.
a little something to help YOU GUYS and myself to cheer up on:
people. WE are going places. (-Jeff Wall).
picture to interpret: