Penang 2011 Shit happens.

So, Penang, Malaysia. How was it? Shit happened. A lot of shit.

Well, the food was amazing—no doubt about it. The cultural things that I wanted to do was financially challenging; the timing of attending tours, the know-how of going to certain places was challenging. I thought it was a 50% failure, but my friend didn’t think so. And, as long as she was happy, I was pretty content.

The highlight of our trip was heading to the tropical fruit farm, and eating various fruits, going to Batu Ferrenghi [the beach, well, Penang is an island, so one argues that there are ‘beaches’ everywhere. But that’s not true, because though an island may be surrounded by oceans, there are rocks instead of beautiful sand].  We went to Georgetown for a bit, but there was no human traffic at all which was shocking since Georgetown is the downtown of Penang.

We had a free motorskiing (???) ride, and that night was fun.

We met: Justyno and Peanuts boy. Message me if you want to know the details lol.

Our flight got delayed, and I just arrived back home 30 minutes ago.

——

Like I said, shit happened on this trip. My friend, who, I shall not name [but if you guys have my facebook you should know who it is], her boyfriend broke up with her on the last night of our semi-amazing trip. It just got me thinking of my past relationships—not just ‘boyfriend’ oriented, but relationships with friends, best friends, parents, etc.

[I haven’t done a post like this in a while. So, I guess this is good practice for the following 193403 essay assignments that I have due in the next month or so. ]

My friend had told me about her past few relationships and how the boys were douche-like to her which I could extract from what she told me. She thought her current boyfriend would be different, would last a while—3 years is a long time if you ask me. She recently told me about how things were going wrong and how she slowly realized it. However, she told me she didn’t want to let go of him. She didn’t want change. It’s been 3 years—she can change, but she’s reluctant to change. She realizes that if her boyfriend just happens to like someone else, what is there that she can do? Nothing. But, if you break up/end things with someone through a text just because “it doesn’t feel the same anymore/it’s not like it was in the past,” what kind of excuse is this? People need an explanation. There’s no “just because” answer. From my point of view, I’ve never met this boy, but from all the stories I’ve heard of him from her, he’s not worth it. She deserves more than this asshole—but like I said, this is just my opinion, and I can’t judge.

I then started thinking about my past relationships, thinking of how I got over a crush, a person I loved, a best friend, while trying to soothe this friend of mine. I told her, everything needs time to settle down. A lot of time. Depending on the person, it might take a couple of months, a year, several years to get over someone or a situation. And, when your light bulb finally alights, I’ll tell you right now, you have reached an epiphany that isn’t completely happy. Of course you’ll remember the good times you’ve had with that one person, but then you think of what you’ve done wrong, what they’ve done wrong, how they’ve mistreated you, how you should’ve read between the lines—but after a few minutes of reminiscing, you’re hit by the reality that you realized you have moved on. The past is the past, you can’t get it back no matter how hard you try, no matter how hard you want things to go back to the way they were. You have moved on. Your life, at this moment, has been constructed by past events. You can do it again—you can reconstruct yourself to incorporate the past.

I remember I couldn’t get over my two best friends in college because of our separation over dissimilar interests I suppose. We’re still acquaintances now. I was sad for months; I should’ve realized I didn’t belong in this trio. But now, honestly, all three of us have gone in separate directions, and we ARE happy. If I didn’t meet these friends, I wouldn’t have times I’d reminisce back on—just our three-way secrets. If I didn’t meet these friends, I wouldn’t know what I’m looking for in a friend. 

I remember how I obsessed over one of my best friends from the past because I couldn’t imagine living without having her forgive me. I obsessed over her for a year before realizing maybe the friendship wasn’t worth it. My grades declined significantly; I couldn’t think straight; I constantly talked to my friends or anyone who wanted to listen about how wrong I was. How bad of a person I was. This person wasn’t even my boyfriend, it was just a ‘best friend’ that I haven’t talked to in a while. And now, I’ve moved on. I’m happy. I still think about her sometimes now and again. But maybe she doesn’t even think about me anymore—so why waste the energy thinking about a person who doesn’t give a shit about you? [This question also applies to other people who are not worth the time] You waste that energy because you guys once had something exceptional, and you’ll never get it back with that one person again. You therefore cherish the memories even more.

I remember this guy and how I still sometimes miss him. We may have had a thing—but I’m honestly STILL not sure. In the past, I could tell him everything. We called/texted/skyped pretty much every day and night for several months straight. We’ve had great times. I honestly don’t’ remember any arguments we had during our happy times but all of a sudden things just went downhill. Obviously I wanted to be with him again, friends or more—it didn’t matter. I wanted to change for him, I wanted him to change, at least I wanted him to realized I was still alive. He wasn’t a boyfriend—I don’t know how exactly to ‘categorize’ him. I might have loved him, who knows. I know that I trusted him a lot, and now he’s gone from my life. I’ve moved on, but it still hurts when something triggers some part of our relationship. I couldn’t get over him for a while, months perhaps. I finally gathered the courage to ask him what happened and the OH-SO-TYPICAL-ANSWER, “we just grew apart” came out. But, it’s okay, the past is the past and I can’t change things. I just have to accept the situation and keep moving forward in life.

As I’m typing out my past relationships and the shit that it eventually becomes, I realize that everything takes time. The process hurts, and sometimes at that moment you fall into such a deep pit that you can’t even crawl your way out, but you’ll have friends supporting you, you have family, you have yourself to be there for you. You have to find yourself during the hard processes. You have to realize who you are to know what you’re worth.

And, I’d like to apologize to my parents for all the shit I’ve done in the past. There’s too many things I want to apologize for not just to my parents but also to the people I’ve hurt. And some people, I don’t feel the need to apologize for your bad attitude.

When you’ve loved someone before, you’ll always reserve a place in your heart for them. It’s inevitable and it’s the truth. No matter how much they’ve hurt you, you will still love them. 

Most importantly, you have to forgive yourself first before you forgive anyone else.