Penang 2011 Shit happens.

So, Penang, Malaysia. How was it? Shit happened. A lot of shit.

Well, the food was amazing—no doubt about it. The cultural things that I wanted to do was financially challenging; the timing of attending tours, the know-how of going to certain places was challenging. I thought it was a 50% failure, but my friend didn’t think so. And, as long as she was happy, I was pretty content.

The highlight of our trip was heading to the tropical fruit farm, and eating various fruits, going to Batu Ferrenghi [the beach, well, Penang is an island, so one argues that there are ‘beaches’ everywhere. But that’s not true, because though an island may be surrounded by oceans, there are rocks instead of beautiful sand].  We went to Georgetown for a bit, but there was no human traffic at all which was shocking since Georgetown is the downtown of Penang.

We had a free motorskiing (???) ride, and that night was fun.

We met: Justyno and Peanuts boy. Message me if you want to know the details lol.

Our flight got delayed, and I just arrived back home 30 minutes ago.

——

Like I said, shit happened on this trip. My friend, who, I shall not name [but if you guys have my facebook you should know who it is], her boyfriend broke up with her on the last night of our semi-amazing trip. It just got me thinking of my past relationships—not just ‘boyfriend’ oriented, but relationships with friends, best friends, parents, etc.

[I haven’t done a post like this in a while. So, I guess this is good practice for the following 193403 essay assignments that I have due in the next month or so. ]

My friend had told me about her past few relationships and how the boys were douche-like to her which I could extract from what she told me. She thought her current boyfriend would be different, would last a while—3 years is a long time if you ask me. She recently told me about how things were going wrong and how she slowly realized it. However, she told me she didn’t want to let go of him. She didn’t want change. It’s been 3 years—she can change, but she’s reluctant to change. She realizes that if her boyfriend just happens to like someone else, what is there that she can do? Nothing. But, if you break up/end things with someone through a text just because “it doesn’t feel the same anymore/it’s not like it was in the past,” what kind of excuse is this? People need an explanation. There’s no “just because” answer. From my point of view, I’ve never met this boy, but from all the stories I’ve heard of him from her, he’s not worth it. She deserves more than this asshole—but like I said, this is just my opinion, and I can’t judge.

I then started thinking about my past relationships, thinking of how I got over a crush, a person I loved, a best friend, while trying to soothe this friend of mine. I told her, everything needs time to settle down. A lot of time. Depending on the person, it might take a couple of months, a year, several years to get over someone or a situation. And, when your light bulb finally alights, I’ll tell you right now, you have reached an epiphany that isn’t completely happy. Of course you’ll remember the good times you’ve had with that one person, but then you think of what you’ve done wrong, what they’ve done wrong, how they’ve mistreated you, how you should’ve read between the lines—but after a few minutes of reminiscing, you’re hit by the reality that you realized you have moved on. The past is the past, you can’t get it back no matter how hard you try, no matter how hard you want things to go back to the way they were. You have moved on. Your life, at this moment, has been constructed by past events. You can do it again—you can reconstruct yourself to incorporate the past.

I remember I couldn’t get over my two best friends in college because of our separation over dissimilar interests I suppose. We’re still acquaintances now. I was sad for months; I should’ve realized I didn’t belong in this trio. But now, honestly, all three of us have gone in separate directions, and we ARE happy. If I didn’t meet these friends, I wouldn’t have times I’d reminisce back on—just our three-way secrets. If I didn’t meet these friends, I wouldn’t know what I’m looking for in a friend. 

I remember how I obsessed over one of my best friends from the past because I couldn’t imagine living without having her forgive me. I obsessed over her for a year before realizing maybe the friendship wasn’t worth it. My grades declined significantly; I couldn’t think straight; I constantly talked to my friends or anyone who wanted to listen about how wrong I was. How bad of a person I was. This person wasn’t even my boyfriend, it was just a ‘best friend’ that I haven’t talked to in a while. And now, I’ve moved on. I’m happy. I still think about her sometimes now and again. But maybe she doesn’t even think about me anymore—so why waste the energy thinking about a person who doesn’t give a shit about you? [This question also applies to other people who are not worth the time] You waste that energy because you guys once had something exceptional, and you’ll never get it back with that one person again. You therefore cherish the memories even more.

I remember this guy and how I still sometimes miss him. We may have had a thing—but I’m honestly STILL not sure. In the past, I could tell him everything. We called/texted/skyped pretty much every day and night for several months straight. We’ve had great times. I honestly don’t’ remember any arguments we had during our happy times but all of a sudden things just went downhill. Obviously I wanted to be with him again, friends or more—it didn’t matter. I wanted to change for him, I wanted him to change, at least I wanted him to realized I was still alive. He wasn’t a boyfriend—I don’t know how exactly to ‘categorize’ him. I might have loved him, who knows. I know that I trusted him a lot, and now he’s gone from my life. I’ve moved on, but it still hurts when something triggers some part of our relationship. I couldn’t get over him for a while, months perhaps. I finally gathered the courage to ask him what happened and the OH-SO-TYPICAL-ANSWER, “we just grew apart” came out. But, it’s okay, the past is the past and I can’t change things. I just have to accept the situation and keep moving forward in life.

As I’m typing out my past relationships and the shit that it eventually becomes, I realize that everything takes time. The process hurts, and sometimes at that moment you fall into such a deep pit that you can’t even crawl your way out, but you’ll have friends supporting you, you have family, you have yourself to be there for you. You have to find yourself during the hard processes. You have to realize who you are to know what you’re worth.

And, I’d like to apologize to my parents for all the shit I’ve done in the past. There’s too many things I want to apologize for not just to my parents but also to the people I’ve hurt. And some people, I don’t feel the need to apologize for your bad attitude.

When you’ve loved someone before, you’ll always reserve a place in your heart for them. It’s inevitable and it’s the truth. No matter how much they’ve hurt you, you will still love them. 

Most importantly, you have to forgive yourself first before you forgive anyone else. 

BFFS? past-bffs?

So what was with my post last night? I felt the need to express myself through odd means :). I have another one coming up. Hope you guys enjoy. And, this upcoming post is not meant to be abstract, not pointing at anyone, but it’s to someone particular, actually there are a couple of people that come to mind as I type this (you’ll see how fucked up my friendships have become as I explain how it’s to A COUPLE OF PEOPLE).

I think these recent two posts are a couple of my inspired posts, and not just a daily update of my boring life. I hope you guys enjoy, and can relate. This tumblr is only for my amusement, entertainment, and release. If I said anything that offends anyone, I’m sorry. If what I have written has inspired you, or you have emphasized with me, well, I’m glad. Please, try and enjoy my bullshit :).

I want to know how you’re doing. Do you miss me as much as I miss you? I slightly hate you, I’m just telling you the truth (more like deeply dislike you a tad). Do you remember how we used to be? I don’t want to think about it, because it hurts me to think about it. I hate you, for the fact of not trying; I hate you, for misinterpreting, for misunderstanding, for being so immature. I hate me for the same reasons. Maybe, I should’ve tried harder. Maybe it’s all my fault, but I don’t want to suppress myself too much, because I don’t deserve all the blame all the time. But I miss you, and still left a part of my heart just for you, because, you are or were, after all, one of my bestest friends. (Is that even a word? Maybe bff sounds better :) ) Oh dear, so many pictures of us together… can’t/don’t want to erase/delete the memories, because we did have fun. We did have our times. Should we reconcile? Is it worth it? I do miss you, maybe the old you, and I think I miss the old me as well. I wish we could go back to WHENever, just  so that no shit has ever happened. Stay naïve, oblivious, never grow up with reality, I suppose. I haven’t talked to you in a while, but I think that’s okay. We need space, time, whatever it takes to heal both our wounds. I’ve gotten past the denial stage, and onto acceptance. Along with acceptance, comes grief, hate, vulnerability, suppression, consciousness, hopelessness. But, I’m okay with that. Are you going through the same thing? I hope you are, and aren’t denying yourself, or myself from anything important that could happen between us. I ask again, how are you doing? Response (hopefully): You know what? Fuck you. JUST KIDDING. Haha. This is what I hope for: You know what? I’m fine, how are you? We can start off on a superficial relationship, at least we’re trying. I think I’d rather have a superficial relationship than none at all. I don’t think I can be deprived of you, with the silent treatment (haha, good times/memories with the infamous treatment). Maybe I saw the path leading to this, but I didn’t try hard enough to stop you. To stop me. Are you okay? Because, I’ll admit. I wasn’t okay for a while, but I’m slowly getting over you, in a good/bad way. What are my feelings for you right now, you ask? I don’t know. Do you even care about us anymore? I do, slightly. Okay, maybe a little more than slightly. I’m going through my music library—the music we shared. Very good times :). Remember what we used to be like? Can we talk about the past happily? Maybe it’s wishful thinking for our reconciliation, but hey, I’m hanging onto the last bucket of hope that I savor in my soul available. Oh, the puns, the jokes, the stories we had, I could write out… the list would be infinite and never ending, like Santa Clause’s Christmas list. Maybe this is the life I lead—fleeting, short relationships, because of the distance, the moving, the short durations of home. My history of packing, of leaving  things behind. Our relationship was perhaps never supposed to last as long as it should, like where I have lived and called home—never longer than at least 6 years. I’m not fine with this kind of life—I wish I had a stable home, a stable life, stable relationships, but apparently it’s going to be impossible…inevitable. Back to YOU, were you just a phase, a period of good stoppage in my relationship with friends? Were we really (never) meant to be? Or am I just being a hooligan at this point? Oh yeah, did I tell you? I do miss you, perhaps, I admit, maybe I just miss the old you. You?

6.20pm: Goodbye My Lover-James Blunt

Sex and Day 9 Sukhothai :)

Regarding sex.

I’m talking to a good friend at the moment, as I’m writing this. And within our conversation, we were talking about having sex, and I suppose both losing our ‘v-cards.’ We also talked about our previous semi-sexual experiences. Really TMI X1000 on both sides—bad image, bad image, bad image. I want to talk about sex, because I’ve been thinking about it now and again. I don’t want to do it via one night stand, or with someone I just semi-like. Just the fact that Johnny Chen brought it up, made me think of several things I want to discuss about myself before I give ‘it’ up to anyone. 

1. Self-image. I actually told someone, not even a friend, that I would have sex with him once I’m satisfied with my body—this statement was said around 1-2 years ago. I have not had sex with him yet, and do not ever plan to. So this statement that I made, has been hovering above my head for the past 18-19 years of my life that I can recall. I am not, will not, don’t ever plan on seeing myself comfortable in my body. I made a bet with Johnny Chen, yes I did, to lose at least 10 lbs by the end of this summer—I want to achieve this goal, so I will be happy that I lost the weight that I wanted to lose. Right now, in Sukhothai, there are no scales, and I’ve been eating a lot of really good food -_____-, so yeah, it’s going to be tough luck for like a month here, 6 days in Japan, and 4 days in Taiwan. Back to my main point of number one: I highly regard myself as really fat, and overweight. I’m not on the verge of obesity, but I am really dissatisfied with my body. I can go into details about how grotesque I look, but I will not torture your eyes or mind today :). But, don’t say I don’t’ look fat, because you’ve never seen me naked. And once you do, yeah, you know it—‘don’t ever wear a bikini girlfriend, let alone clothes, and just stay at home for that matter.’ 

I’m comfortable getting naked to take a shower; I wouldn’t go to the extremes like people I know, and I feel bad for them. I’m glad I don’t hate my body to that point. I’m not comfortable in a swimsuit, one piece, let alone a bikini (haven’t worn one in at least 14 years). I don’t like others looking at my body; I would like them to look once I’m satisfied with what I look like, and they admire me instead of hate me (?); make sense? Good. I haven’t been comfortable being naked, or semi-naked [not going into detail] with the opposite sex; every time a situation or activity would lead to semi-nakedness, I start worrying about what the opposite sex thinks of my body, and I get too self-conscious, and constantly worry about everything. God, I wish I was drunk every time I get naked, then the thoughts wouldn’t be so bad. I want my body to get to a point where all I have to worry about is whether I’m turning the other person on via my body or my actions. TMI? Who told you to read? :)

2. Relationships. I think I need to have several more relationships, several more dates before I give ‘it’ up easily. In the past, I haven’t really found anyone I extremely liked. There were just random guys here and there; some I’ve made out with, in my perhaps really drunken state, and other times… I don’t think I’ve completely let myself out in the open, with emotions all let out, except perhaps with friendships, but not relationships. I think that’s a good thing; I’m waiting for a ‘good one,’ a ‘really good one.’ Well, obviously, I want to be in a good relationship when I do it with that certain someone. 

3. Diseases [because I cannot think of anything else to say :)] I don’t want to get AIDS, genital herpes, all the damn STDs in me, and therefore I want to get to know someone really good before I go for it. 

I dedicate a mini portion of my post to: Johnny Bravo. We use each other, for good reason. Thanks. I don’t know what to say to you, but thank you for listening to me, and telling me the truth except the biggest lie on the planet = afterschool is not that fine. Thanks for being there, and I hope we’ll be really good friends even after college. What else would you like me to say to you? Work on your damn calves, and keep up with the good arm work. I’m glad your losing more weight than me. I don’t mind streaking, sucking a cock, or paying you $400 as long as we still talk. Kthxbye.

Day 9 Uneventful

Sukhothai

Today was one of those ‘lax’ days, uneventful during the day, and unproductive. I had an extra hour of sleep in, and headed to the office just to sign on the internet. I caught up on my CNN/Time/BBC while talking to Johnny Chen. I suppose THAT is something productive :). Lunch was fun today. Me and Kyle sat with ‘the crew.’ Oh god, so many names -____- : Pee-oii, Pee-nuu, Pee-dick, Pee-naam-pung!!! and Pee-waan. There was plenty of “chai’s” to go around; laughter filled up 2 hours of lunch break. Okay, hold up, I was wrong. I was productive for around two hours because I was reading through several airline manuals; I was about to fall asleep, so I took a magazine equivalent to America’s super conservative “Cosmopolitan” called “Cleo. “

Around 5.00pm or so, Pee-oii asked if me and Kyle wanted to go to town (I forgot the name of it :( ) just for the hell of it, with Pee-ann. We went to town, and tried to find some fruit for Pee-nuu that was currently unavailable. We headed to a store to get this sweet snack made of peanuts and flour; we then proceeded to dinner. I didn’t bring my camera today—very sad. But, it’s the memories that truly matter; as long as I have a photographic memory of the event that took place, I think I can live without a picture :). Afterwards, we headed to a famous Thai dessert place in town. Kyle bought like at least 5 pieces, while I sampled a piece. I hated it… because the egg taste was too strong for me—but, I ate it like a good Asian :) hehehehe.

I got really sad when Pee-oii said she was leaving for Bangkok from 7/20-7/31. I’m leaving the 30th, and I’ll miss having someone to talk to with fluent English. Don’t get me wrong, I love everyone here, but I feel like so far, I have bonded with Pee-oii the most. God damn it. :( Pee-ann would be leaving from 7/17-7/28 (?) and that makes me sad too, because she’s soooo cute!! And she reminds me of a motherly figure. And she smiles/laughs at everything I say, which makes me laugh too :).

Oh yeah, I’m sorry. In my previous post, I mentioned learning snake as “loo” but it’s supposed to be “ngoo.” My ‘b.’

I’m heading to the catering kitchen tomorrow for work—I requested it. And I get to wake up around 8.30am :) I’m super excited because 1. I love the kitchen. 2. I love Pee-Ann. 3. I love getting my hands on those sushi. 4. kitchen = food = sampling = which sadly leads to fattiness, but I really don’t mind right now :)

La Vie En Rose= <3

Oh, how I wish I could be skinny again.