thailand <3 

i miss thailand so much for the following (and many other) reasons

  1. great friends and people.
  2. amazing food.
  3. new lifestyle.
  4. eye-opening culture.
  5. beautiful place <3.
  6. ANDDDDD… the more humorous reasons:
  7. finally rode a bike after 6 years of idle-ness.
  8. hand-washed my own laundry.
  9. strippers galore.
  10. world’s best sex industry at its finest.
  11. many nights of random craziness.
  12. alcohol. anything else needed to be said?

i want to go back. NOW. GET ME AN ECONOMIC-CLASS TICKET THERE, NOW. FUCK, I’LL SWIM THERE.

I’m…back (?)

I know. I’m sorry. I haven’t had a post in a while. And, I honestly don’t know where I left off. But, I’M BACK… in Taiwan. Tomorrow, I’m headed to Japan—woo-hoo? I’m surprised I haven’t bawled my eyes out yet after my amazing trip in Thailand. I’m currently uploading pictures, but it’s taking forever since I’ll have at least 5-6 albums to summarize my trip. Good memories that will surely last forever. But then again, memories are memories, and they’ll be forgotten eventually right? And, as I mentioned before, friendship can be fleeting—usually all friendships in my case. But, I hope the relationships that I have sustained in Thailand will last a really long time. 

I… want to go home. But, I don’t know where home is. I loved Thailand, and I treated that country as my home, and now I’m back in Taiwan, and it’s a comfortable, convenient place. And when I head back to the states… I’ll feel ‘at home’ again. 

I will have a special post dedicated to the people I have met in Thailand, because they deserve it. It’s not much, since it’s only words that I have written, but it means the world to me. I love them very much, and don’t know how I could live a month without these people. 

It’s very simple: I love you so much.

I had a dream…a nightmare last night. I woke up I think around 5-10 minutes into it; woke up in tears, because I couldn’t handle the nightmare. It was horrible. I’m tearing up as I’m recalling it. Motherfucker. I love you so much; I hope you realize it; I love you so much, I don’t know how I can explain my love for you. I’d really die for you, and I’m sorry for all the hurt I’ve put you through. I wish… I wish I wasn’t born at times, then maybe life wouldn’t be this way. I love you so much, please realize this. I’m sorry for all the pain I caused. I’m so sorry for all the shit I did to you. I’m so sorry. I miss you so much. You’re only a few miles away, but I miss you so much. I’m so sorry I’m a bitch. I’m so so sorry. I wish every tear I shed could tell you how much I love you, and how sorry I am. I want to call you so bad, but I’ll see you soon, I know. I miss you. I’m so sorry. I never hated you. I’m so so sorry. I know I’m just repeating myself, but it is not bullshit. I miss you so much; I don’t ever want to never see you for a while. Without you…. I’m so sorry, and I love you so much. After all these years, I haven’t told you how much I appreciated, and I lacked the fucking courage to say I love you. You should know I love you, after all, shouldn’t you? I love you so much. I hope you read this. One day, doesn’t matter when. I hope you read this. I miss you so much, and it hasn’t even been that long since I’ve seen you. I guess it wasn’t a nightmare, but an epiphany for me to tell you… I love you, and miss you. I don’t hate you, I don’t think I ever had. Yes, I say mean things, but that’s self-defense. I love you so much; I hope nothing bad ever happens to you. I hope whenever you suffer, I’ll pray for you. I’m not a religious person, but I’ll pray to all the fucking gods  out there so you’ll be okay. I miss you so much. I love you. I wish I could see you right now, but I can only picture your beautiful face. Did I tell you how beautiful you are? No, you are so beautiful. You are so beautiful to me. All the tissues I’ve used up hahaha, as disgusting as that sounds, I think it’ll represent how many times we’ve laughed together over the stupidest shit. I miss you. And I love you.

I can’t believe I’m crying this much. Oh dear god.

I don’t think I’m going to disclose who this is to, because I don’t think there’s a need to. If I was mean to anyone, I’m sorry. And this is to you too. But, this is for someone that matters A LOT to me, and I don’t think I would be here without this person. But, this is to all of you out there, YOU KNOW I do care about you, even if we’ve been through a lot of shit. I have left a little part of my heart to you, because I like to consider myself having a big heart, enough to share with everyone I care about. I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to fuck our relationship up. I’m sorry. 

Day 17 Sukhothai, keepin’ it real

Day 17

Sukhothai

8.30pm: I’m a little stressed out over nothing. :/

Today, I went to the catering kitchen and helped out Pee-ann by making some pork burgers (haha, this reminds me of a childhood story that I shall tell one day on tumblr). Then headed back over the office to catch up on some news; afterwards I headed to lunch, ate with Pee-naam-pung, and Pee-see, such cutie-pies [as you can see, I’m keeping this post kind of brief because, 1. I’m really stressed out, 2. I don’t know why I’m stressing, 3. I’m really tired over nothing].

After lunch, Pee-naam-pung asked if we wanted to go out of the airport, and we gladly agreed to. We headed to a rice mill—there was an old/handmade/outdated machine for the rice process, and towards the back there was this humongous new monster of a machine. It was pretty cool, pictures from Kyle later. Pee-naam-pung later took me and Kyle to Sukhothai Buddha Park; it was filled with glorious gold, beautiful architecture, and, yes, I forgot my camera (yes, I’m really pissed, just as pissed as you are), but no worries, I plan on going back with my camera this time.

Went on the runway again for a 6km bike ride this time. Note to self, and others: riding against wind going 5mph is as hard as going up a steep hill.

Yes, I am semi-stressed: Joe the Plumber will be arriving tomorrow in Bangkok, and he plans on me and Kyle meeting up with him on Sunday, aka in 2 days. 1. I haven’t bought tickets [and tickets will be pricey since the flight’s only 2 days away], 2. I don’t know where the hell am I living [if I live in a hotel, the price can be very jacked up], 3. I don’t know if Joe is competent in making decisions. :/ He’s a kind of ‘go-with-the-flow’ type of guy; sometimes that’s good, but… when it comes to important decisions, and handling people’s lives, it’s kind of important to be steady as rock, right? Or, is it just me? So, he sent me an email telling me wishy-washy details…and I don’t exactly have any idea wtf he wrote in that email—so I asked a bunch of questions in return. Let’s hope he returns my email tonight :/ I don’t think I’ve ever been so stressed out over a 4 day vacation. What The Shitty Fuck.

Did laundry; I miss my own washing machines :(.

I cried while biking on the runway today. These memories kept flashing by me… I think I had a epiphany-gone-wrong. All these memories were actually horrible; all the memories went semi-chronologically, I thought I was dying for a second because of these memories flashing in front of my eyes. I cried for at least… perhaps, 3km of my trip (?)

Sex and Day 9 Sukhothai :)

Regarding sex.

I’m talking to a good friend at the moment, as I’m writing this. And within our conversation, we were talking about having sex, and I suppose both losing our ‘v-cards.’ We also talked about our previous semi-sexual experiences. Really TMI X1000 on both sides—bad image, bad image, bad image. I want to talk about sex, because I’ve been thinking about it now and again. I don’t want to do it via one night stand, or with someone I just semi-like. Just the fact that Johnny Chen brought it up, made me think of several things I want to discuss about myself before I give ‘it’ up to anyone. 

1. Self-image. I actually told someone, not even a friend, that I would have sex with him once I’m satisfied with my body—this statement was said around 1-2 years ago. I have not had sex with him yet, and do not ever plan to. So this statement that I made, has been hovering above my head for the past 18-19 years of my life that I can recall. I am not, will not, don’t ever plan on seeing myself comfortable in my body. I made a bet with Johnny Chen, yes I did, to lose at least 10 lbs by the end of this summer—I want to achieve this goal, so I will be happy that I lost the weight that I wanted to lose. Right now, in Sukhothai, there are no scales, and I’ve been eating a lot of really good food -_____-, so yeah, it’s going to be tough luck for like a month here, 6 days in Japan, and 4 days in Taiwan. Back to my main point of number one: I highly regard myself as really fat, and overweight. I’m not on the verge of obesity, but I am really dissatisfied with my body. I can go into details about how grotesque I look, but I will not torture your eyes or mind today :). But, don’t say I don’t’ look fat, because you’ve never seen me naked. And once you do, yeah, you know it—‘don’t ever wear a bikini girlfriend, let alone clothes, and just stay at home for that matter.’ 

I’m comfortable getting naked to take a shower; I wouldn’t go to the extremes like people I know, and I feel bad for them. I’m glad I don’t hate my body to that point. I’m not comfortable in a swimsuit, one piece, let alone a bikini (haven’t worn one in at least 14 years). I don’t like others looking at my body; I would like them to look once I’m satisfied with what I look like, and they admire me instead of hate me (?); make sense? Good. I haven’t been comfortable being naked, or semi-naked [not going into detail] with the opposite sex; every time a situation or activity would lead to semi-nakedness, I start worrying about what the opposite sex thinks of my body, and I get too self-conscious, and constantly worry about everything. God, I wish I was drunk every time I get naked, then the thoughts wouldn’t be so bad. I want my body to get to a point where all I have to worry about is whether I’m turning the other person on via my body or my actions. TMI? Who told you to read? :)

2. Relationships. I think I need to have several more relationships, several more dates before I give ‘it’ up easily. In the past, I haven’t really found anyone I extremely liked. There were just random guys here and there; some I’ve made out with, in my perhaps really drunken state, and other times… I don’t think I’ve completely let myself out in the open, with emotions all let out, except perhaps with friendships, but not relationships. I think that’s a good thing; I’m waiting for a ‘good one,’ a ‘really good one.’ Well, obviously, I want to be in a good relationship when I do it with that certain someone. 

3. Diseases [because I cannot think of anything else to say :)] I don’t want to get AIDS, genital herpes, all the damn STDs in me, and therefore I want to get to know someone really good before I go for it. 

I dedicate a mini portion of my post to: Johnny Bravo. We use each other, for good reason. Thanks. I don’t know what to say to you, but thank you for listening to me, and telling me the truth except the biggest lie on the planet = afterschool is not that fine. Thanks for being there, and I hope we’ll be really good friends even after college. What else would you like me to say to you? Work on your damn calves, and keep up with the good arm work. I’m glad your losing more weight than me. I don’t mind streaking, sucking a cock, or paying you $400 as long as we still talk. Kthxbye.

Day 9 Uneventful

Sukhothai

Today was one of those ‘lax’ days, uneventful during the day, and unproductive. I had an extra hour of sleep in, and headed to the office just to sign on the internet. I caught up on my CNN/Time/BBC while talking to Johnny Chen. I suppose THAT is something productive :). Lunch was fun today. Me and Kyle sat with ‘the crew.’ Oh god, so many names -____- : Pee-oii, Pee-nuu, Pee-dick, Pee-naam-pung!!! and Pee-waan. There was plenty of “chai’s” to go around; laughter filled up 2 hours of lunch break. Okay, hold up, I was wrong. I was productive for around two hours because I was reading through several airline manuals; I was about to fall asleep, so I took a magazine equivalent to America’s super conservative “Cosmopolitan” called “Cleo. “

Around 5.00pm or so, Pee-oii asked if me and Kyle wanted to go to town (I forgot the name of it :( ) just for the hell of it, with Pee-ann. We went to town, and tried to find some fruit for Pee-nuu that was currently unavailable. We headed to a store to get this sweet snack made of peanuts and flour; we then proceeded to dinner. I didn’t bring my camera today—very sad. But, it’s the memories that truly matter; as long as I have a photographic memory of the event that took place, I think I can live without a picture :). Afterwards, we headed to a famous Thai dessert place in town. Kyle bought like at least 5 pieces, while I sampled a piece. I hated it… because the egg taste was too strong for me—but, I ate it like a good Asian :) hehehehe.

I got really sad when Pee-oii said she was leaving for Bangkok from 7/20-7/31. I’m leaving the 30th, and I’ll miss having someone to talk to with fluent English. Don’t get me wrong, I love everyone here, but I feel like so far, I have bonded with Pee-oii the most. God damn it. :( Pee-ann would be leaving from 7/17-7/28 (?) and that makes me sad too, because she’s soooo cute!! And she reminds me of a motherly figure. And she smiles/laughs at everything I say, which makes me laugh too :).

Oh yeah, I’m sorry. In my previous post, I mentioned learning snake as “loo” but it’s supposed to be “ngoo.” My ‘b.’

I’m heading to the catering kitchen tomorrow for work—I requested it. And I get to wake up around 8.30am :) I’m super excited because 1. I love the kitchen. 2. I love Pee-Ann. 3. I love getting my hands on those sushi. 4. kitchen = food = sampling = which sadly leads to fattiness, but I really don’t mind right now :)

La Vie En Rose= <3

Oh, how I wish I could be skinny again.