moving away from the past.

I hate packing. It makes me cry. I have packed multiple times, countless times. At least 10 times in my life. I hate it. Its so stressful. Why do I do it? Why am I so frustrated? I feel like I can never settle down. I want to cry. I am crying. I don’t want to move anymore. I want to go home. 

i realized i have accumulated a lot of shit things from my past. and i can’t let go. i’ve moved/visited countless places, and i have pieces of memory of where i have been. these things have defined my past, my childhood, my actions, my thoughts. i’m finally in college. 18 years [soon to be 19 years] of my life have been consumed, and i can’t believe i have dragged so many items of my past along my short long journey. i have kept stuffed animals since i was one years old. i have kept my “chemistry/biology senior award” from a year ago. i still own things my mom and dad have had when they were around 20-30 years old. 

i can’t let go so easily. this is personality; this is how i cope; this is how i feel; this is me. i don’t want to be this way. i don’t want to have to look at my past, and feel like shit.  useless, hopeless, alone, neglected. 

i have decided today. to donate a lot of things. and i’m proud of myself, because i would never have fathomed in a million years, i would give away the things i am giving away now. my mom would possibly be even more pissed than i am for giving away my things— but that’s another animal i will dissect in another tumblr post [asian parents].