BANGFUGGINGKOK!!! DAY ONE.

1.13am: WE ARRIVE IN BANGFUCKINGKOK BABY!!! Pee-see took me and Kyle to our hotel (Bangkok City Suite, Petchuburi Road, Soi 1), and thank god her company compensates her taxi fee. Me and Kyle said our farewells to her, and we were all free.

LET ME JUST SAY, yes, I am/was super excited that I have landed in Bangkok, but I really do miss Sukhothai—the people, the lifestyle, the easiness. It was heart wrenching/I was torn when I got on the airplane. I was soooo excited to be in Bangkok,  but at the same time, I realized so many people really liked me and Kyle, and they couldn’t seem to let go (okay, yeah, they still let go).

So, we arrive in our room, with TWO TWIN BEDS. Funny story, the counter lady was like “One bed right?” “NO NO NO NO. TWO BEDS TWO!!” Okay, anyways, back to my night/story/summary. SOMEONE has been looking up gay districts—I wonder who. And, so I really wanted to go see a gay club anyways (I didn’t know I’d end up in a stripping one). We unpacked for thirty minutes, changed in less than 10 seconds, and headed out the door—yes, we were fucking excited.

We got into the first taxi we see—big mistake. But, whatever, the price really wasn’t that bad compared to fares in other cities. We asked to go to the nearest BTS (semi-subway system (?) sky train, etc), and for 40 baht; the driver asked where we were going (this whole time, his taxi meter wasn’t on -_____-), and we said Silom (is that even how you spell it?). He said, okay, I’ll get you guys there for only 100baht; whatever, it’s only… approx $3US, dude, I’ll take it. We asked him to take us to nightclubs (we wanted to say gay clubs…but…); he handed me a business card that has several items listed. OH YEAH, whatever you do, please do NOT go for “ping pong” it’s not ping pong—it is something pretty obscene, and… just no.

List: 1. Pussy ping pong. 2. Pussy smoking cigarette. 3. Lesbian love sex. 4. Making love man and woman

I LAUGHED MY ASS OFF. “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!?! WHY ARE YOU SHOWING ME THIS?” “Do you want to go?” “I’M GAY. I WANT TO SEE GUYS.” “I WANT TO SEE GUYS TOO!” So, we head out of the taxi, and first ended up at this night market place: oh, yeah, here’s where the semi-‘fun’ comes into play.

As we walk through, and see all these other foreigners (which made me extremely happy for some reason), I see stands full of fake brands (Louis Vuitton, Coach, Gucci, etc); I was in heaven. I asked for a Coach bag that was 2,500 baht—eh, I’ll see if I want it in the future. We kept walking through the night market, which pretty much sold, Ralph Lauren shirts (MY FAVORITE OXFORD!!!), Rolex watches, handbags, Thai T-shirts, little toys for kids, etc. You know what I mean my asian homies :). As we were walking through the streets, there were random guys who came up to Kyle, and kept showing that list (mentioned above, with semi-variations to various themes). They were very fucking persistent. It was irritating, but entertaining at the same time, because Kyle couldn’t say he was gay the whole time. AND, I guess we really didn’t look like boyfriend/girlfriend haha. OOPS, my ‘b’ on my part.

We kept walking in the district TRYING SO HARD to find a gay club (Jupiter, and Dreamboy to be exact). We ended up looking at a bunch of “pussy” bars—god, Thai people love selling meat -_____-; jeez, and I thought this was a Buddhist country :). TOTALLY KIDDING; I’m being a total bitch right now, but I think I’m just criticizing this district in general; I’m sure the other areas aren’t like this.

We kept getting dragged into various clubs (strip clubs), and bars.

People (annoying motherfucking people) on the streets would ‘offer help’ randomly and expect some compensation. Yeah, fuck off. -_____-, jeez, I wish I had a Thai friend during those moments. But, me and Kyle survived :).

We finally found JUPITER!!!!!!!!! Hahahaha, we were both really really hesitant in going in, but I think it was totally worth it. ELISABETH GODWIN: IF YOU ARE FUCKING READING THIS. THAILAND/BANGKOK IS THE FUCKING PLACE FOR YOU X1000000. Okay, so we’re greeted by these cute gay guys ushering us in. It was a tiered bar type place with leopard printed bar stools, and leather printed bar stools, all facing the stage. It could seat at least 200 people—it was nice. It was 250 baht for an entry fee with one free drink. Was it worth the money? Um, yes. I had a glass of vodka—AND THAT WAS IT. THAT WAS IT, OKAY?! Okay, glad we got that established.

These Jupiter boys, as they are called, come onto the stage wearing a white tank, and tight tight (like…tight) red undies. With a little number button pinned on the panties—you got it; if you order a number, you can have ‘service’ (I don’t know what kind—and, I don’t really want to exactly know) for a price—they tab the number onto your bill if you choose to do so. OH GOD, THEY WERE HOT—not your ordinary…strippers (okay, well, I’ve never been to a strip club, so… maybe they aren’t hot. But I have high standards for my strippers, and they have reached it!!).

I sat next to a group of working people (they were in their 20s I assumed, and I was curious because there was at least 3 girls and 1 guy in that group). The chick next to me was a lesbian—I’m cool; and the guy was gay, and the lesbian came for him—good girl. Then they left the most amazing part of the night:

The performances they had at Jupiter included performances from Lady-boys (or… transvestites is the correct term for you politically correct people—eff that). The Lady-boys were gorgeous—I wanted to kill them so bad. They had wonderful dances/they had really nice and classy songs ranging from the 50s-00s. The ‘epitome’ of the performances were… “the towel stripping performance;” yes, penises were involved, and I didn’t cringe like I did Chatroulette x100. OH YEAH, THIS IS LIKE CHATROULETTE… EXCEPT X100 BETTER!!! Um, they also had this performance that involved “the death reaper becoming naked somehow.” There was another performance that was “let’s have a random makeout session in the shower to really techno music.”  There were at least… 10 different penises tonight. Wow, I’m talking about penises like I’m very indifferent about it—because I sort of am at this point.

The “mama” of the house (a gay man—sorry if you were expecting a woman :)) treated me very kindly. It was sweet. Random gay guys (waiters/workers mostly) would walk by and smile so sweetly/cutely. Towards the end of the night… 11.30pm-ish, people were leaving. So, me and Kyle moved a couple of bar stools up front. Gay guys (and I think straight guys in a gay club) are very touchy feely. I asked “mama” who was straight and who was gay, and he said 50-50. 1. A gay waiter locked eyes with me, smiled, and pointed to a direction for me to look at. I was confused. One Jupiter boy walks by, stares at me for the longest time, like I was suppose to put his number on my tab. YEAH, he was definitely straight. 2. A Jupiter boy walks by (sooo cute), touches my thigh, smiles, and keeps staring, like…again, I was suppose to tab him tonight. God, if I wasn’t a virgin, and had like 10012938247 condoms with me, I would totally tab them down, but they must be really expensive.

I have another post I would like to dissect the happenings of these random clubs, and how straight men would have to resort to gay actions—I just… it makes me kind of sad. I also saw several young strippers—or I think they’re really young. They look like my age—WHAT THE FUCK. I felt bad…but they looked damn good.

Me and Kyle headed out of the club, we had to walk through the gay boulevard. 

1.52am: sorry, had to brush my teeth—thought you guys should know :).

As we walked through gay boulevard, random people started tugging me and Kyle into these gay strip clubs. Oh, god, not that I don’t like these stripping men, but it has been too much for the night—and I was tired. I don’t know whether Kyle got harassed as much as I did, but I got felt up all over—I was totally fine with it, because 1. I assumed all these guys were gay, 2. they were fine about it, 3. they didn’t really feel me up down there or up there, and I honestly didn’t care at that point. I got kissed on the cheek, on the hand, got hugged from behind, got my butt squeezed—the typical happenings in a club anyways, lol, just in the setting of a public street. Me and Kyle headed to another strip club for a minute, because… I was sick and tired of saying no, and hey, I’m out here on gay boulevard, and it may be my last time. I saw a really hot guy as I entered the club, NUMBER 54 PLEASE. And then we really left for a minute. Harassing continues. We were followed by this guy who introduced us to “X-cise” (no. 54’s place); we headed to Family Mart. He expected me to buy him 59baht Heineken. Oh, bitch, please. I’ll pay 100baht for a cabfare, but I only drank a glass of Vodka; you think I would pay for YOU to drink? Dream on, bitch. I ditched that bitch real easy (I’m…not trying to sound black…or bitchy, it just be reality, yo).

We took a taxi, persisting for taxi-meter, then I was like whatever, and bargained for 110baht back to our hotel. It was more expensive, which I wasn’t happy about, but, he got lost—gas money is on him; he deserved it? Yes, I think so :).

And now, I’m in my room/bed chilling listening to  “Billionaire”-Travie Mccoy. Yes, being a billionaire in Bangkok is banking.

Meeting Pee-oii and Pee-ann in the wee hours of the morning (in 6 hours to be precise, 8am)

Did I mention Pee-ann called during the strip club, oh god, I felt like a bad kid like my parents found out that… I was out on a Monday night or something, lol. She was like “I’m worried about you guys! I can hear you guys are clubbing!! Let’s go clubbing tomorrow night!” Haha, she’s so cute, and motherly, I love her.